[{"content":"Welcome to The Den of Disappointment, where disappointment meets delight!\nGet ready to enter a world of cinematic chaos, where good taste and decent storytelling go to die. From so-bad-they\u0026rsquo;re-good gems to mind-numbingly bad blockbusters, I\u0026rsquo;ll be reviewing and dissecting the worst of the worst. But I\u0026rsquo;m not just about reveling in the bad – I\u0026rsquo;ll also be on the lookout for films that surprised me by being better than I expected. Whether it\u0026rsquo;s a guilty pleasure or a genuine surprise, I\u0026rsquo;ll be sharing my thoughts on the good, the bad, and the downright bizarre. Join me as I navigate the wild world of bad movies, and discover the absurdity that awaits in the Den.\nWarning! This site may contain NSFW content Photo by Karen Zhao on Unsplash\n","date":"2024-07-13","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/","section":"","summary":"Welcome to The Den of Disappointment, where disappointment meets delight!","title":"","type":"page"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-13","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/","section":"","summary":"","title":"","type":"posts"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-13","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/2020s/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"2020s","type":"tags"},{"content":" Cringe: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐⭐\nIt seemed like a normal day of booty shaking for Babezilla until the evil tweaker pimps\u0026rsquo; scheme to hypnotize the women of the internet into being their whores accidentally turned them into the ravenous Zombie Whorde! Babezilla to the rescue!\nIntroduction # Babezilla vs the Zombie Whorde is a 2022 horror comedy written and directed by Andrew J Chambers. It features Stephanie Love as Babezilla, supported by a small cast of mostly unknown talent. It clocks in at almost exactly an hour, and as you probably guessed, is very low budget. Judging from the cover art, synopsis, and on-screen warning, Babezilla is going to be about as dumb as it gets.\nA reasonable warning I\u0026rsquo;ve seen one or two other things from Andrew J Chambers, and they all have a similar warning text, which ends with Fuck the MPAA, something I can get behind. For those unaware, The MPAA is an organization which provides certification for American films, assigning them a rating which is meant to indicate what audiences they are suitable for. On paper, this is a valuable service, but you don\u0026rsquo;t have to look far to see how corrupt and distorted the system is. Anyway, since Babezilla doesn\u0026rsquo;t have any sort of rating, I\u0026rsquo;ll just say this film (and associated review) are not suitable for persons under 18.\nPlot # This review contains major plot spoilers Zombie Whorde opens with a pole dancing / booty shaking credits sequence by Babezilla. It\u0026rsquo;s a bit more explicit than you might see from MPAA-blessed films, and to their credit, looks like it was filmed in an actual strip club. Aside from that, it\u0026rsquo;s nothing special, serving the purpose of informing viewers of the titillations that await.\nOne of the rare superheros who is also a stripper After the credits, we\u0026rsquo;re introduced to the Babezilla\u0026rsquo;s villains, the so-called \u0026ldquo;tweaker pimps\u0026rdquo;. These two dudes are basically an exaggerated, satirical take on American backcountry rednecks. The main guy is in the middle of making super meth, which evidently contains nutmeg, among other things. Apparently once women have some of this super meth, they become sex workers, which benefits the villains. Okay then.\nOur two redneck villains and their sacrifice Cut between the scenes of meth creation is Babezilla just hanging at her house, evidently home from stripping for the day. In her free time, she enjoys deepthroating popsicles and bananas, as well as doing yoga. This whole bit is honestly pretty gratuitous, and I\u0026rsquo;m not going to bother including screenshots here. If you\u0026rsquo;re the type of person who enjoys stuff like this, you\u0026rsquo;ll just have to watch it.\nMeanwhile, the tweaker pimps have finished their super meth and distributed it, but there is a problem. Too much nutmeg! All the ladies who\u0026rsquo;ve imbibed it turn into zombie whores. How does this differ from a regular zombie, you might ask. Well, when they transform their clothes change into stripper garb. That\u0026rsquo;s it, really. And with that, we have a problem for Babezilla, who gets suited up to battle the evil zombie whorde!\nDo not put nutmeg in your meth! Review # Babezilla is a low budget horror film with a very niche audience. It definitely has it\u0026rsquo;s moments, but overall it could have been better. The biggest issue is that most the film\u0026rsquo;s runtime is padding, with only a few minutes of Babezilla taking on the Zombie Whorde, which was disappointing. On the other hand, I think Stephanie Love did well in her role, and I\u0026rsquo;m happy to see she\u0026rsquo;ll be returning in the upcoming Babezilla vs the Cyber Skanks: Rise of MechaBabezilla.\nUltimately, Babezilla vs the Zombie Whorde was a disappointment, but I did find some bits of entertaining. For example, Babezilla has her own theme song, which sounds exactly like a transformers jingle from back in the day. The special effects when the zombies are being blasted are also delightfully stupid.\nBabezilla reporting for duty! Cringe 4/5: Ignoring the low budget, the film has a dumb premise that is not presented competently. Some viewers might also find certain depictions in the film to be offensive.\nEnjoyment 2/5: There\u0026rsquo;s some fun to be had here, if you can look past the film\u0026rsquo;s shortcomings.\nRecommended Audience: Genre fans only.\n","date":"2024-07-13","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/babezilla-vs-the-zombie-whorde/","section":"","summary":"A review of the 2022 film, Babezilla vs the Zombie Whorde","title":"Babezilla vs the Zombie Whorde (2022)","type":"posts"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-13","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/categories/","section":"Categories","summary":"","title":"Categories","type":"categories"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-13","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/comedy/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"comedy","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-13","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/cringe-level-4/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"cringe-level-4","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-13","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/english/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"english","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-13","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/enjoyment-level-2/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"enjoyment-level-2","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-13","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/exploitation/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"exploitation","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-13","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/categories/film-reviews/","section":"Categories","summary":"","title":"film-reviews","type":"categories"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-13","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/high-definition/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"high-definition","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-13","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/horror/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"horror","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-13","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/major-spoilers/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"major-spoilers","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-13","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"Tags","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-05","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/2010s/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"2010s","type":"tags"},{"content":" Cringe: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐⭐⭐⭐\nA Tinder date gone astray leaves famous fitness selfie queen, Barbi, lost in the wilderness trying to survive despite Homeland Security, alien death rays and zero cell service.\nIntroduction # Breaking Barbi is a 2019 comedy film directed by Edward G. Negron, who has worked on a handful of productions, whether as a director or editor. It features Vera Vanguard as Barbara Dolly Brennan (Barbi for short), a famous influencer in whatever wacky universe this film is set in. As you might guess from all this, Breaking Barbi is very low budget production.\nBarbi and Ken Jake, about to embark on their adventure Let\u0026rsquo;s set some expectations first. This really looks like a purposeful spoof film, probably with some social commentary about how vapid influencer culture is. There\u0026rsquo;s definitely going to be some kind of aliens, probably with bottom of the barrel special effects. Wrapping all this will likely be humour, with varying degrees of success. With that in mind, we can judge Breaking Barbi a success if it\u0026rsquo;s funny and manages to hold our attention for the runtime.\nPlot # This review contains minor plot spoilers Breaking Barbi open with a credits sequence where the main character, Barbi, introduces herself with a monologue about her life, and how hard it is to be famous. This is will be a common theme throughout the film, resulting in the audience hearing more of this internal monologue than traditional dialogue. She is voiced like a \u0026ldquo;valley girl\u0026rdquo;, in a stream of consciousness kind of way, replete with influencer and pop culture references. As Vera VanGuard is listed as writer on the project, I like to imagine she wrote most of this. While it seems like an annoying idea at first, it actually works here, and was my favourite part of the film.\nAs you might have guessed, she takes a lot of selfies until her battery runs out After the credits sequence, we\u0026rsquo;re introduced to Barbi\u0026rsquo;s current boyfriend, Jake. The two are going free climbing and hiking up in the mountains, for which Barbi is woefully unprepared for. Barbi spends most of the trip out fantasizing about Jake, who\u0026rsquo;s attractive in that body-builder fitness guru kind of way. When they actually get to climbing, though, it turns out Barbi is a master climber and Jake, well, gets crushed to death by a rock she dislodges.\nOops This leaves Barbi stranded at the top of the cliff, where there is no cell signal. Rather than go back the way she came, she kind of just starts to wander in the woods, quickly getting lost. The first person she happens upon is a wounded man who claims to be from Homeland Security. He gets mauled by some alien-looking claw while Barbi takes selfies, before the two part ways. This sets the tone for the rest of the film, with Barbi walking into all kinds of weird situations and not giving a shit unless there\u0026rsquo;s a hot guy around. There\u0026rsquo;s a killer clown, medieval sword battles, laser fights, which are all arguably hallucinations from eating way too many mysterious mushrooms in the forest.\nThis happens Review # Breaking Barbi ended up being a lot more entertaining and engaging than I had expected, it even has a somewhat coherent story! Vera VanGuard does an excellent job as Barbi, portraying the most bimbo of all bimbos to ever exist, who just happens to also be a superhero of sorts. Her persistent inner dialogue is what really makes the film, without it the entire thing would probably have been a slog to get through.\nThere are several scenes like this, for lovers of the jacked-up bodybuilder aesthetic I want to give the rest of the team some credit, though. The action sequences are all incredibly cheesy, entertaining, and self-aware. They\u0026rsquo;re mostly all puncuated by upbeat electronic music, which helps to set the ridiculous tone. The camera work and editing, as well, are about as good as you can expect from something like this, though I do wish they had a better quality camera, as a lot of shots just look low resolution or are out of focus.\nTo balance out the manliness Taken as a whole, Barbi is a very entertaining hour and half and absolutely not a disappointment. Some of the social commentary and humour aspects do end up falling a little flat, but otherwise it fully satisfies or exceeds expectations. I\u0026rsquo;ll be keeping an eye out to see what Edward G. Negron is working on next!\nCringe 4/5: It\u0026rsquo;s intentionally cringy. You\u0026rsquo;re basically listening to a hyperbolic bimbo\u0026rsquo;s thoughts the entire time.\nEnjoyment 4/5: Very fun adventure that made me laugh out loud more than a few times. You never know what\u0026rsquo;s going to happen next.\nRecommended Audience: Trash Cinephiles\n","date":"2024-07-05","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/breaking-barbi/","section":"","summary":"A review of the 2019 film, Breaking Barbi","title":"Breaking Barbi (2019)","type":"posts"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-05","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/enjoyment-level-4/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"enjoyment-level-4","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-05","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/minor-spoilers/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"minor-spoilers","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-05","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/sci-fi/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"sci-fi","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-01","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/action/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"action","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-01","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/cringe-level-3/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"cringe-level-3","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-07-01","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/enjoyment-level-3/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"enjoyment-level-3","type":"tags"},{"content":" Cringe: ⭐⭐⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐⭐⭐\nPassengers and crew on a flight are attacked by unseen forces that threaten all aboard.\nIntroduction # Flight 666 is a 2018 horror film from our friends at The Asylum, an organization that produces a wide array of junk cinema. It\u0026rsquo;s directed by Rob Pallatina, a man responsible for editing and directing a whole bunch of direct-to-video and made-for-tv films, some of which I\u0026rsquo;ve seen and enjoyed. Excellent. The cast, like many of these films, is composed of a bunch of people I\u0026rsquo;ve never heard of but look vaugely familiar.\nThe premise is simple: A bunch of people are trapped on a plane in flight, during a storm, and have to fight supernatural forces to survive. Pretty common horror fare, but still intriguing. What I like about this kind of film is that they\u0026rsquo;re often shot almost completely on a plane set, making them necessarily claustrophobic. The reduced size of the film also means that more budget can be used for special effects and general production value. I expected all of these things from Flight 666.\nPlot # This review contains minor plot spoilers Flight 666 opens with some gritty, analog looking b-roll of murders and such, setting the tone for what\u0026rsquo;s to come. As expected, this is pretty much all of the non-plane footage we\u0026rsquo;re to see. After the short intro we\u0026rsquo;re introduced to the cast, already up in the air and in the storm. No pointless preamble\u0026hellip; Nice. We have a pilot and co-pilot, two flight crew, and a plain-cloths air marshall. There\u0026rsquo;s also a host of passengers, which play varying roles of importance. I\u0026rsquo;m sad to announce all the characters are incredibly stereotypical, so don\u0026rsquo;t expect anything groundbreaking from them.\nOur co-pilot, left, and captain, right Pretty early on it\u0026rsquo;s clear something is wrong. The first to experience anything anamolous is a random dude (I couldn\u0026rsquo;t think of a better way to describe him). In the windows he sees an evil-ass ghostly figure in the sky, which obviously alarms him. Calling for help, no one believes him, and I probably wouldn\u0026rsquo;t either. Something about being on planes just drives some people nutty.\n\u0026quot;Can you please tell the pilot to not crash the plane!\u0026quot; It\u0026rsquo;s not long before other passengers start to report strange happenings, mostly when they look in a mirror or reflective surface. These scenes are rather well put together, and effective in building up tension for the latter parts of the film. It\u0026rsquo;s not just random horror scenes, though. As the plane is in a storm, there\u0026rsquo;s plenty of turbulence, with characters and luggage getting thrown around in some pretty thrilling action sequences. That\u0026rsquo;s about all I can say without spoiling it for you, so let\u0026rsquo;s move on!\nReview # Flight 666 is an enjoyable little horror movie about people trapped on a plane. The writing and acting are decent, although I did wish we had less generic characters, as the film spends enough time on them to justify it. On the flip side, the horror and action scenes are mostly all excellent and kept me engaged throughout the film, helped along by on-point special effects and sound. The climax is great as well, throwing a twist I definitely didn\u0026rsquo;t expect. Basically all you could ask of a simple horror film.\nFlight 666 was not a disappointment at all, and fits into the weird middle ground of not amazing, but not bad either. Recommended for genre fans.\nImagine seeing that outside your window Cringe 3/5: The cliche characters kind of drag the film down, along with some continuity issues that could have been easily corrected. Thankfully, the horror scenes are not cringy.\nEnjoyment 3/5: All around a very enjoyable flick. Would have been better if the above issues had been addressed.\nRecommended Audience: Final Destination fans\n","date":"2024-07-01","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/flight-666/","section":"","summary":"A review of the 2018 film, Flight 666","title":"Flight 666 (2018)","type":"posts"},{"content":"","date":"2024-06-30","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/adventure/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"adventure","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-06-30","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/cringe-level-2/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"cringe-level-2","type":"tags"},{"content":" Cringe: ⭐⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐⭐⭐⭐\nAn Alaskan town is in danger of destruction by a mystical snow globe that appears on a family\u0026rsquo;s doorstep, wrapped like a Christmas gift, and causes deadly \u0026ldquo;natural\u0026rdquo; disasters in their own town, while simultaneously occurring in the snow globe.\nIntroduction # Snowmageddon is a 2011 made-for-tv action adventure, directed by Sheldon Wilson and made for the SyFy channel. Surprisingly, it is not from our friends at The Asylum, who have produced many other gems for SyFy, so I had no idea how good or bad it might be going in. The cast and crew are composed of people I don\u0026rsquo;t know, but look vaguely familiar on camera, with a single nucleur family taking most of the screentime. The family is composed Laura Harris as Beth (mother), David Cubitt as John (father), Magda Apanowicz as Stephanie (daughter), and Dylan Matzke as Rudy (son).\nFrom the synopsis above, it\u0026rsquo;s pretty clear what Snowmageddon is about: It\u0026rsquo;s a family-friendly disaster movie with a sci-fi/fantasy twist. The Miller family lives in a very nice little town near a mountain, and it\u0026rsquo;s Christmas time. For some reason a magical snow globe shows up and wreaks havoc, and the family must fight for their lives. Pretty standard fare, but I thought I\u0026rsquo;d give this one a shot as I have soft spot for disaster type films.\nPlot # This review contains minor plot spoilers Snowmageddon opens with a nice family scene around Christmas time, where everyone is together wrapping gifts in the evening. A mysterious wrapped gift shows up on their doorstep, and they of course open it. It turns out to be a very fancy looking snow-globe which has a small, perfect replica of their town and the nearby mountain in it. It\u0026rsquo;s also got a bunch of gears and clockwork stuff around it. No one really seems put off by this expensive, surprise gift, and move on after looking at it a bit. Except for Rudy, who takes a liking to it. This is when things start to go awry. The town experiences an earthquake which splits the ground apart in the middle of town, leaving a chasm and causing a bunch of damage.\nMust play with toy Flash forward to the next day, and we find out the Beth is a helicopter pilot, giving rides up the mountain for daring skiers and snowboarders. It just so happens that a very famous young man is going up that day, someone Stephanie has a crush on. She convinces Beth to let her ride along so she can flirt with him. As a result of this, we\u0026rsquo;re treated with some aerial shots of the mountain and surrounding landscape.\nAwww\u0026hellip; she gets signed by her idol Meanwhile, Rudy is left at home with a babysitter, while John, who is evidently a cop, goes into town and does cop stuff. This sets the stage nicely, as we now have the mother and daughter up the mountain and separated, and the son has time to place with the snow globe, which he does. And when he does, all hell breaks loose, with plenty of earthquakes, fireballs, snowfall, and so forth. The rest of the film follows the family and several other residents of the town as they work to discover what\u0026rsquo;s causing the disasters and how to solve them.\nReview # At first glance, Snowmageddon looks like a dumb Christmas-themed movie, but it\u0026rsquo;s really kind of genius. You\u0026rsquo;re lured into it with bad expectations, but the film is a really solid and entertaining action adventure. It hits all the standard tropes you might expect, but does it well. The action sequences are thrilling, helped along by better than average special effects, given the time. The acting is mostly decent and the writing is good, with characters mostly taking believable actions given the situation. Snowmageddon is honestly better than most Hollywood disaster films I\u0026rsquo;ve seen, impressive for a made-for-tv Christmas movie.\nWhile researching this review, I looked up the production company, Cinatel Films, and discovered they put out a lot of similar stuff to The Asylum. Some of the films I\u0026rsquo;ve already seen, but there\u0026rsquo;s a whole bunch of new ones I\u0026rsquo;ve never heard of, which I\u0026rsquo;m eager to check out. Here\u0026rsquo;s hoping at least a few of them will be as surprisingly good as Snowmageddon.\nThe mountain won\u0026rsquo;t let them leave Cringe 2/5: Some of the characters are kind of dumb, and there are minor continuity issues. Overall, if you can accept the premise, not very cringey at all.\nEnjoyment 4/5: I really this one, and it surprised with me how coherant and well-produced it was. Some of the action scenes had me on the edge of my seat.\nRecommended Audience: Family movie night during the holidays.\n","date":"2024-06-30","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/snowmageddon/","section":"","summary":"A review of the 2021 film Snowmageddon, also known as Snowglobe Christmas","title":"Snowmageddon (2011)","type":"posts"},{"content":" Cringe: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐\nIn a post-apocalyptic world brought on by the Coronavirus, communism runs rampant, meetings are forbidden and Christianity is illegal. A band of young believers launch an underground revolution to reunite Christians and regain freedom from their oppressive superiors.\nIntroduction # 2025: The World Enslaved by a Virus is a 2021 American fantasy film written and directed by Simon Wesely and Joshua Wesely. It\u0026rsquo;s their first film and was made at the height of the Coronavirus Pandemic in the United States. In fact, I think it was the first film that anyone working on this project had ever made, and as you\u0026rsquo;ll find out, it shows.\nYou will learn to hate this face Since this came out during lockdown, and people didn\u0026rsquo;t have anything better to do, you\u0026rsquo;ll find an absolute deluge of reviews and reactions making fun of it. I\u0026rsquo;m here to tell you they\u0026rsquo;re all completely justified. The entire thing is a right-wing, American \u0026ldquo;christian\u0026rdquo; grift, playing into the conspiracy theory that COVID-19 was being used by Communists to control the good folks of the USA\u0026hellip; and also make Christianity illegal. I have no idea how they managed to market and distribute this ridiculous propoganda, do that many people have brain-rot?\nPlot # This review contains major plot spoilers Normally in this section I would write about characters, plot elements from the first act, or other interesting things which define a film. The thing is, 2025 doesn\u0026rsquo;t really have any of that. Shit just kinda happens, you know, one scene after another, but there\u0026rsquo;s not really anything that ties it together to make a movie. It\u0026rsquo;s mostly the same people talking in different rooms, or trying to give important sounding monologues. You\u0026rsquo;ll have to bear with me while I try to describe it.\n2025 starts off with a brief, slow-speed car chase, where Joshua is apprehended by military-looking people. He\u0026rsquo;s taken to an interrogation room, where we find out he\u0026rsquo;s been arrested for having a copy of the bible and what I believe is a copy of the constitution for Germany. He proceeds to go on this long rant about how everything was prior to the pandemic, day-dreaming about a mega-church sermon and white cis-het people getting married. Anyway, it seems like he convinces the police to let him go, since next time we see him he\u0026rsquo;s free.\nKind of ironic these folks are worried about banned books, no? Joshua has some revolutionary friends, and they want to overthrow the evil Communists keeping them locked up, so they hatch a plan: Spray paint Jesus fish in the forest to spread the word. And they do just that. However, they have cleverly chosen to use blue and pink spray-paint, I think to represent the two genders they believe to exist. Unintentionally, they end up making the gayest looking Jesus fish ever when they combine the two, and I love it.\nIt was hard to get a good shot of this one, sorry Next up there is a bunch more talking in rooms and such. The biggest thing that comes of this is a new character, a female hacker who is sympathetic to their cause. She has a knockoff punk kind of look and speaks in what I think is supposed to be a Russian accent, but her acting is so bad that I can\u0026rsquo;t be sure. Aside from this, our revolutionaries have a Christian singalong around a campfire at night, which is rudely interrupted when they\u0026rsquo;re raided by the armed forces again. Remember, Christianity is illegal.\nHacker-man to the rescue! Fast-forward through some more pointless drivel, including several speeches by Joshua, and the damn thing is nearly over. How does it end? Well, poor Joshua dies a martyr, just like Jesus. Moral of the story? None. Joshua doesn\u0026rsquo;t actually accomplish anything throughout the film, so in this fantasy land things probably just continue on the way they have been.\nReview # 2025: The World Enslaved by a Virus is easily one of the worst films I\u0026rsquo;ve ever seen. I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure film students could have done better with $100 and a cell phone. What really propels into the upper stratosphere of shit, though, is the ham-fisted agenda. This is very clearly right-wing, extremist propoganda, meant to instill fear that Christians are somehow being persecuted against. Now, plenty of stuff like this gets made every year, but you usually don\u0026rsquo;t see such widespread distribution. I checked, and it is available on a dozen or more streaming services in the US alone.\nWhy are they playing cards with Norway? Should you watch 2025? Absolutely not. There is no redeeming quality whatsoever to it. I would rather watch paint dry, or water boil, or really anything else other than subject myself to this film. Don\u0026rsquo;t even imagine you can ironically enjoy it.\nCringe 5/5: Every single scene was peak cringe. Also, I think it was mostly or all filmed in Germany and passed off as the US.\nEnjoyment 1/5: The pink and blue Jesus fish was cute, the other 90 minutes was the most dull, uninspiring, and poorly executed film I can imagine existing.\nRecommended Audience: No one.\n","date":"2024-06-29","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/2025-the-world-enslaved-by-a-virus/","section":"","summary":"A review of the 2021 film, 2025: The World Enslaved by a Virus.","title":"2025: The World Enslaved by a Virus (2021)","type":"posts"},{"content":"","date":"2024-06-29","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/cringe-level-5/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"cringe-level-5","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-06-29","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/enjoyment-level-1/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"enjoyment-level-1","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-06-29","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/fantasy/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"fantasy","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-06-25","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/cringe-level-1/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"cringe-level-1","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-06-25","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/drama/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"drama","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-06-25","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/enjoyment-level-5/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"enjoyment-level-5","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-06-25","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/norwegian/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"norwegian","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-06-25","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/thriller/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"thriller","type":"tags"},{"content":" Cringe: ⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐\nA group of students investigates a series of mysterious bear killings, but learns that there are much more dangerous things going on. They start to follow a mysterious hunter, learning that he is actually a troll hunter.\nIntroduction # Troll Hunter (Trolljegeren) is a 2010 Norwegian found footage film written and directed by André Øvredal. It features Otto Jespersen as Hans, the titlar troll hunter. He is supported by Glenn Erland Tosterud, Johanna Mørck, and Tomas Alf Larsen, who play as a group of students acting as investigative reporters. TMDB lists the films budget as $3.5 million, which I would consider pretty high.\nMeet Hans, a man who hunts trolls for a living The premise of Troll Hunter is much like any other found footage horror film you might have seen. There\u0026rsquo;s a group of people with cameras, in this case the students, and they go out to discover or document something. What sets Troll Hunter apart is it\u0026rsquo;s excellent production value, definitely helped by it\u0026rsquo;s generous budget. It\u0026rsquo;s also not every day you see a movie about trolls. Having a soft spot for found footage and Norwegian films, there\u0026rsquo;s no way I could pass this one up!\nPlot # This review contains minor plot spoilers Troll Hunter opens with our curious students interviewing some country folks. Evidently there have been some strange goings-on, and our investigators want to get to the bottom of it. Everyone they talk to points to Hans, as bad stuff seems to happen while he\u0026rsquo;s around. One of the hunters figures he\u0026rsquo;s a poacher as well, as they find a dead bear nearby. So, our merry band of adventurers track down Hans and annoy him until he agrees to team up with them.\nBeautiful Hans is very clear that they must do everything he says, even if it doesn\u0026rsquo;t make sense at the time, and they agree. The newly-minted party of four thus embark on their adventure to document trolls. The students, of course, don\u0026rsquo;t believe they exist at first, presenting a good opportunity for Hans to drop some lore on us. Aside from the stunning visuals, the whole mythos of modern trolls and how they could exist is expertly crafted, spoon-fed to the audience at regular intervals between the action/horror scenes. It works really well.\nOne of Hans\u0026rsquo; tools is a light gun Over the next 90 minutes or so, we follow along with our adventurers, learning more about trolls, and perhaps, encountering them. There\u0026rsquo;s a whole back-story to everything that is frankly a lot more detailed and engrossing than I had ever expected, going into Troll Hunter. The film sticks with the found-footage style throughout, with plenty of grainy, dark, tense moments in the forest.\nReview # Troll Hunter is a lovingly crafted found footage film that really surprised me with how engaging it was. The team really puts a lot of effort into making trolls seem real and believable. The pacing is excellent, and all the main actors nail their roles. Plus, the scenery of the Norwegian country-side and forest are beatifully caught on film, more so than you would expect for the found footage genre. Overall, this is an excellent film and not at all a disappointment.\nWhile on a ferry ride to find some trolls This write-up intentionally avoids even minor spoilers after several minutes in, because you should absolutely check out Troll Hunter. I\u0026rsquo;ve seen it several times and thoroughly enjoyed each watch. Even if you don\u0026rsquo;t like found footage or horror, you might like this one. Be sure to pick up a copy with subtitles, though, unless you happen to speak Norwegian!\nCringe 1/5: Troll Hunter, despite it\u0026rsquo;s name, premise, and genre, is not cringey at all. Surprising.\nEnjoyment 5/5: I loved this film. It\u0026rsquo;s probably one of, if not the best, found footage thing I\u0026rsquo;ve seen. It\u0026rsquo;ll keep you hooked to the end!\nRecommended Audience: Everyone, but especially found footage and horror aficionados.\n","date":"2024-06-25","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/troll-hunter/","section":"","summary":"A review of the 2010 film, Troll Hunter, also known as Trolljegeren","title":"Troll Hunter (2010)","type":"posts"},{"content":" Cringe: ⭐⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐⭐⭐\nTo celebrate their graduation, the teenagers from Valley Hills High School have organized an ’80s-themed party at the old Wet Valley water park. Things turn gruesome when it\u0026rsquo;s revealed that a mysterious maniac has inserted giant razor blades into one of the water slides. The water park thus becomes the backdrop for a bloodbath and everyone is a suspect\u0026hellip;\nIntroduction # Aquaslash is a 2019 horror film directed by Renaud Gautheir. It features Nicolas Fonatine, Brittany Drisdelle, Maedelline Harvey and others as supposed high school students. It\u0026rsquo;s a pretty short film, at 71 minutes, including credits.\nYou don\u0026rsquo;t even need to read the synopsis to know what Aquaslash is all about, it\u0026rsquo;s right there in the name. But as the for the specifics: A high school graduating class has rented out a water-slide park for their graduation party. As you might expect, they come well equipped to party and otherwise enjoy the park. Of course, things don\u0026rsquo;t go as planned, there is slasher about and everyone must fight to survive! Hardly an original concept, but a well executed slasher can be fun, so let\u0026rsquo;s jump in.\nPlot # This review contains minor plot spoilers Aquaslash opens with a bunch of students arriving at the park, whether via tour bus or their own vehicles. Given this is a teen slasher flick, we\u0026rsquo;re introduced to all the different cliques. You have your jocks, nerds, preps, etc., as well as several single ladies for all the guys to fight over. Most of the film\u0026rsquo;s runtime is spent on this and related drama.\nThe jocks have beef with the band and basically everyone else in this film Unlike most films of this nature, Aquaslash\u0026rsquo;s storytelling is well above average. The characters, even if some of them are annoying, are all given motivation for their actions. There\u0026rsquo;s good buildup to climax, with plenty of foreshadowing and creepy hints that something is wrong. On that note, this school trip is severely lacking in parental supervision. The only chaperones are a married couple and the middle-aged handyman who looks after the park.\nThe annual Wet n\u0026rsquo; Wild carwash, all part of their weekend at the park Honestly, there\u0026rsquo;s not much more of the film worth talking about. Several of the characters have little story arcs, there is the looming mystery of who will the slasher be, and some folks get chopped up. Aquaslash does exactly what it says on the tin, and for that I respect it. There\u0026rsquo;s even a party scene where the band does an alright cover of the hit song, Sunglasses at Night.\nIs the only single old dude around the aquaslasher? Watch to find out! Review # Aquaslash is a fun, engaging slasher film that doesn\u0026rsquo;t overstay it\u0026rsquo;s welcome. It has all the tropes you might expect based on the premise, but manages a well above average execution of everything. The characters are mostly all distinct, instead of blending into this homogenous group of victims, as sometimes happens. It also doesn\u0026rsquo;t rely too heavily on special effects, which is a nice change from so many modern films. Similarly, the cinematography and editing are on point, not trying to do anything ground-breaking.\nThe only real criticism I have for Aquaslash is that the action/horror conclusion is a bit short. It\u0026rsquo;s effective, due to the tension buildup throughout the film, but it\u0026rsquo;s over way too fast. Perhaps this was done due to budgetary restraints? Or it might have been deliberate choice by the film-makers to make a very concise film.\nEver wondered what might happen if one or more people slide down a tube filled with razor blades? Aquaslash has you covered! Cringe 2/5: The only really cringey element is some of the jock characters. They\u0026rsquo;re very intentionally stereotypical, but I think the writers took it a bit too far in places. Everything else worked for me.\nEnjoyment 3/5: While nothing original, the film as a whole is an enjoyable watch, and I liked it much more than most other teen slasher films. It is, however, lacking in anything really original or weird, which have pumped up the enjoyment factor for me.\nRecommended Audience: Fans of teen slashers and b-movies.\n","date":"2024-06-23","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/aquaslash/","section":"","summary":"A review of the 2019 film, Aquaslash","title":"Aquaslash (2019)","type":"posts"},{"content":" Cringe: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐⭐⭐⭐\nA group of women hatch a detailed plan to take down the top global financial systems. They will let nothing and no one get in their way.\nIntroduction # Bikini Hackers is a 2023 comedy? film written and directed by Scott Hillman. It stars Caroline Elise as Sarah and Samantha Venable as Tiffany. They are supported by a small cast of talent that I\u0026rsquo;ve mostly not heard of before, with the exception of Nicole D\u0026rsquo;Angelo, who had a lead role in Darling Nikki.\nThe premise of Hackers is pretty simple, a bunch of women bikini-clad plan to hack into the global financial system and distribute the wealth of the top 1% to everyone else. A sort of Robin Hood story. What\u0026rsquo;s not to love about that? Let\u0026rsquo;s jump in!\nPlot # This review contains minor plot spoilers The film opens with a short party/club scene, wherein we see Tiffany seduce Sarah. They end up going back to Tiffany\u0026rsquo;s very nice Los Angeles house, which of course has a pool. Cut to the next day, and Tiffany is already awake and having a morning swim in the pool. Sarah heads down to meet her, and they head inside for some breakfast. Miraculously, in the time it took them to walk inside, Tiffany\u0026rsquo;s hair and bikini have fully dried, and she has fresh looking makeup on.\nWhile the two ladies are in the kitchen, we\u0026rsquo;re introduced to Tiffany\u0026rsquo;s master hacker plan: She wants to hack into some financial institution and distribute all the wealth they are hoarding to everyone in the world (using a macbook, as we know all hackers do). One thing becomes very clear by this time; Tiffany has an incredibly annoying voice, and the lines are delivered in this strange over-enthusiastic way, kind of like an ad read by a used car salesperson. It\u0026rsquo;s super unsettling as a viewer. On the other hand, the acting and delivery for Sarah are not good, but they\u0026rsquo;re far and above better than her partner in crime.\nTiffany, our mastermind, on the left, explaining the plan to Sarah In the next scene, Tiffany has assembled everyone together who is take part in this hair-brained scheme. We have three women besides Tiffany and Sarah, and they\u0026rsquo;re all introduced alongside their superpower. There\u0026rsquo;s also a random dude in a cowboy hat who handles logistics, apparently. He introduces himself: \u0026ldquo;Willie Tall Salt, at your service. I help girls in need, to restore balance to the great green earth.\u0026rdquo;\nOur merry band of adventurers Flash forward through some more exposition, which is largely unimportant, as well as meeting the bad guy, and Tiffany has once again assembled everyone. This time they\u0026rsquo;re in bikinis, and she enthusiastically explains they\u0026rsquo;ve got to have a pool party prior to pulling of the heist. Why not, right?\nI don\u0026rsquo;t even know what to say anymore You might have figured that Tiffany is maybe not so bright at this point, and you\u0026rsquo;d be right. Also, none of the other ladies seem to know anything about hacking, so how the hell are they going to pull something like this off? Well, in between scenes we\u0026rsquo;re treated to on-screen messages between Tiffany and some anonymous person. As it turns out, they\u0026rsquo;re the real hacker, and supply the crew with intel and a USB drive which is going to pull off the hack for them. So, there you have it folks, the whole premise of the film was a lie.\nTurns out there are no bikini hackers Review # Bikini Hackers is a lie, but that\u0026rsquo;s okay. It still, at least, delivers the promise of bikinis, as our heroines infiltrate a high-security building using nothing but their wits bodies. The real standout of this film is the character Tiffany, who has some real banger lines, backed up the crazy delivery of Samantha Venable. Sarah\u0026rsquo;s character acts as balance to this wackiness, usually trying to present a reasonable approach to things. Or rather, sometimes.\nSarah, expertly evading a security guard Cringe 4/5: A lot of the writing, editing, and acting are downright bad, leading to a high level of cringe. This is only exacerbated by the low-budget reuse of certain sets, some of which appear many, many times.\nEnjoyment 4/5: Despite all of it\u0026rsquo;s problems, Hackers is a fun watch. You never really know what\u0026rsquo;s going to happen next, or what random bullshit a character is going to spit out. I really liked how it keeps on your toes until the end.\nWay too many of the scenes take place in front of this one backdrop ","date":"2024-06-22","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/bikini-hackers/","section":"","summary":"A review of the 2023 film, Bikini Hackers","title":"Bikini Hackers (2023)","type":"posts"},{"content":" Cringe: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐\nA Black Cougar high on cocaine escapes an animal testing facility and wreaks havoc on Los Angeles.\nIntroduction # Cocaine Cougar is a 2023 horror film directed and written by Dustin Ferguson. At 50 minutes, it is very short for a feature film, and this write-up will necessarily be pretty minimal. The cast and crew for Cougar are also quite limited, this is definitely a low-budget indie film which is shot completely on location in or around Los Angeles. It does, however, star the venerable Dawna Lee Heising, an actress famous for being in 100s of films and having an extreme amount of plastic surgery. This isn\u0026rsquo;t meant as a knock against her, having watched a couple interview, she seems like a very nice person, but her appearance does bear an ill omen for Cocaine Cougar.\nAfter the massive hit that was Cocaine Bear, very loosely based on a true story, it was inevitable that a number of Cocaine X films would pop up. Cocaine Cougar is one of these. The premise is not much different from the original; A wild animal gets it\u0026rsquo;s hands on some cocaine and all hell breaks loose. This premise has plenty of room for cheesy action horror (AKA entertainment), so let\u0026rsquo;s find out if Cougar hits the mark!\nPlot # This review contains minor plot spoilers Cocaine Cougar open with an unnecessarily long intro and credits sequence. We start off with a metal theme song, evidently recorded specifically for the film. It\u0026rsquo;s a cool touch, but, again, goes on far too long and doesn\u0026rsquo;t really fit in the film. The intro sequence is partially set against what appears to be stock footage of a vet clinic or animal shelter. This part is probably the most unsettling/creepy part of the film, with some nice analog effects and fancy editing.\nNot even sure what this is, but I feel for it Once the intro is finally done, we\u0026rsquo;re greeted by a pseudo-news broadcast from an unbranded TV station. The anchors inform us that a black cougar has escaped from some facility in LA, and people should be careful. These will be a recurring item throughout the film, where the anchors provide us with an update each time something notable happens. I actually like this style of storytelling, but it feels very low effort here.\nPlease at least fill in the news ticker or make a fake logo Cougar follows a rather strict pattern after the opening. There are one or more scenes which introduce characters, followed by at least of those people being mauled by the cougar. Then, we have a title card with the current time, another news broadcast, and the cycle repeats. Unfortunately, most of the segments really fall flat. Firstly, it\u0026rsquo;s impossible to really care about a character when they at most a couple minutes of uninspired screen-time. Secondly, the scenes where people are getting mauled by this cougar are just objectively bad.\nFor some reason, each person ends up venturing out into the forest or urban jungle, then there is a scene which is meant to simulate the crazed cougar\u0026rsquo;s vision. What we get is a very red-tinted image, where the camera is held low and, I guess, meant to mimic the viewpoint of a Cougar. Over this image is the most hilarious sound effects I\u0026rsquo;ve ever heard. At first is sounds kind of vaguely what you imagine a cougar growling might sound like, but then you realize it\u0026rsquo;s just a person with some kind of filter applied. It got a good chuckle out of me each time, and was easily the most enjoyable part of the film.\nThis might seem okay at first glance, but it gets old real quick Review # Cocaine Cougar is a film entirely made in order to cash in on the success of Cocaine Bear. Unfortunately, it falls flat on every front. The production, direction, writing, acting, and special effects are all terrible. And, I\u0026rsquo;m sad to report this isn\u0026rsquo;t one of those so-bad-its-good endeavours. It\u0026rsquo;s just bad. Especially egregious is animation for the titular Cocaine Cougar.\nIt\u0026rsquo;s hard to show in a still image, but the way the cougar is animated is really unfortunate Another thing that\u0026rsquo;s a little odd is the ending, or rather, lack thereof. The film just sort of ends at some point. There is not resolution, setup for a sequel, or really anything. The credits just start rolling. If you take into account the beginning and ending credits, this 50 minute film is actually only 35 minutes or so of content. Even then, about 5 minutes of that time is taken by a completely out of place montage of a theme park. So, you\u0026rsquo;re left with a 30 minute feature film, which is either a half hour too long or an hour too short, depending on your point of view.\nCringe 5/5: Cougar is the first film I\u0026rsquo;ve looked at for the Den which earns the highest possible cringe rating. Everything about it is just awful, cringy, and there aren\u0026rsquo;t really any redeeming qualities, except perhaps the cougar growling sound effects.\nEnjoyment 1/5: I absolutely didn\u0026rsquo;t enjoy any aspect of this viewing experience. It has zero entertainment and value value as far as I\u0026rsquo;m concerned. Don\u0026rsquo;t waste your time with Cocaine Cougar.\n","date":"2024-06-21","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/cocaine-cougar/","section":"","summary":"A review of the 2023 film, Cocaine Cougar","title":"Cocaine Cougar (2023)","type":"posts"},{"content":" Cringe: ⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐⭐⭐⭐\nKayla, an underprivileged Japanese American 16 year old, endangers her promising future as an aspiring artist when she becomes involved with a drug dealer.\nIntroduction # Model Minority is a 2012 drama film directed by Lily Mariye, appearing to be the first feature film she directed. It features Nichole Sakura, as Kayla, in the lead role. She is supported by several other people playing her family, as well as Delon de Metz as the bad-guy boyfriend character. This is a relatively low budget drama, but the cast and crew make good use of what they have.\nFirst off, a gritty coming-of-age drama is right up my alley, whether or not it\u0026rsquo;s particularly good. Second, I think Nichole is a really interesting actress, first seeing her in the sit-com Superstore, and then in Teenage Cocktail. Model Minority appears to be her first lead role, so I had to check this one out!\nPlot # This review contains minor plot spoilers Model Minority is a story about Kayla and family, composed of her father, mother, younger sister, and grandma. Everyone lives under the same roof, to start, except for the grandma. The family live in a typical American suburban home, not far from the \u0026ldquo;bad area\u0026rdquo; of town. Kayla\u0026rsquo;s father, Ken works a blue-collar job and is an alcoholic, while her mother Angie, works several jobs and has a heroin addiction. Despite how much the parents work, the family is struggling financially, barely making enough to put food on the table. You can presume this is due to the parent\u0026rsquo;s substance abuse problems, combined with the general capitalist hellscape that is the United States.\nThe girls on their way home from school in the opening Despite this, the girls are in school, and they have bikes to get around and the other basic necessities a teenager might need, less a cell phone. Kayla\u0026rsquo;s sister, Amberlyn, is portrayed as a couple years younger than her older sister, so about 14. Kayla and Amberlyn are close, at least in the beginning, bonded in the shared struggle of growing up while dealing with poverty.\nKayla asking her Dad for a new backpack for school, unfortunately he spent the last of his cheque on beer It doesn\u0026rsquo;t take long for further issues to develop, which set up the primary story arcs for each character. Kayla and Amberlyn are both bullied in school because they are not as privileged as others, and it\u0026rsquo;s clear they yearn to become popular, as all teenagers do. Kayla wants to start dating a very nice black guy her age, but is told by her mother she\u0026rsquo;s not allowed to, based on the colour of his skin. This sets her up to rebel, where she allows herself to get picked up the local drug dealer, a guy named Treyshawn, who is at least several years older than her.\nTreyshawn sweet talking Kayla while they are riding around Meanwhile, all is not well with the family. The father ends up moving out of the house, leaving the two girls and the mother Angie. Angie sinks deeper into her addiction, and now has the girls going to pick up her \u0026ldquo;medicine\u0026rdquo; and effectively leaves the girls unsupervised. Now they do whatever they want; Kayla stays out late with her boyfriend and Amberlyn starts partying with some new friends and meeting boys.\nAmberlyn, smoking in the girls room with her new friends What follows is a slow-burn drama, where we watch as each character devolves in a realistic, gritty, fashion. It\u0026rsquo;s all very relatable, especially to anyone who grew up around western poverty.\nReview # Model Minority is a coming-of-age drama that really hits home and makes effective use of it\u0026rsquo;s talent and limited budget. Most, if not all, of the acting is on point, and I\u0026rsquo;m impressed by both the Lily Mariye\u0026rsquo;s direction and Nichole Sakura\u0026rsquo;s debut lead role. This would be a good film to watch with your kids, as a cautionary tale about the effects of drugs on their stability, freedom, and livelihood. This is one of the rare films that made me cry, as I was so invested in each character\u0026rsquo;s story and struggle.\nThe film earns itself 1/5 cringe stars, the lowest possible amount. While I figured, going into this, that it could end up being just a bad movie or too much like a Lifetime fantasy, it wasn\u0026rsquo;t at all. I\u0026rsquo;d like to have given it a perfect score for enjoyment, but it receives 4/5 simply because it is a gritty, dark, and sometime uncomfortable film, and very effectively so.\nDon\u0026rsquo;t do drugs, kids I thought I\u0026rsquo;d enjoy Model Minority, but wasn\u0026rsquo;t sure that it would be any good. I\u0026rsquo;m happy to say that this film was not a disappointment, and you should absolutely check it out. To be on the safe side, though, maybe not on a day you\u0026rsquo;re feeling down.\n","date":"2024-06-20","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/model-minority/","section":"","summary":"A review of the 2012 film, Model Minority","title":"Model Minority (2012)","type":"posts"},{"content":" Cringe: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐⭐\nA tropical storm floods Soggy Meadows trailer park and forces a hungry shark upriver.\nIntroduction # Trailer Park Shark, also known as Shark Shock, is a 2017 adventure comedy film directed by Griff Furst. It has a medium-sized cast of actors, most of whom I\u0026rsquo;ve never heard of before. This is one of those SyFy channel made-for-tv specials with a relatively low budget, which mainly exist to hook you into watching some ads based on a silly premise and low-grade humour.\nThere are a lot of dumb movies about sharks around, like the Sharkando series, Mega Shark series, the X-Headed Shark Attack series, and so forth. SyFy has been behind a shocking number of them. I was attracted to this one based on the premise of a bunch of hillbillies fighting for their life against a shark, but as you\u0026rsquo;ll find out, it gets much sillier than even I expected.\nPlot # This review contains minor plot spoilers Trailer Park Shark opens with a tour of the trailer park, and introduces some of the characters which don\u0026rsquo;t immediately die. The production team went out of their way to produce an exaggerated version of what people might call \u0026ldquo;trailer trash\u0026rdquo;, clearly having fun with it. There\u0026rsquo;s people fighting, drinking, arguing about money or their partners, and so forth.\nSeems like a good time We\u0026rsquo;re also introduced to our hero, a man named Rob, and his uncle. They have a plan to steal power from a nearby windwill, which apparently works by just grabbing a single cable and plugging it into a transformer box. For reasons that will become clear in a moment, they they are doing this in water, with a cable which is supposedly electrified, or will be in the future. Brilliant.\n\u0026quot;Imma go plug this in now\u0026quot; Anyhow, flash back a little bit for some exposition. We found out they\u0026rsquo;re stealing power because they have an evil landlord who squeezes them for all the money they have, fair. We also find out that the landlord really wants them totally gone, and has ordered his henchman to blow up a nearby levy which apparently keeps the ocean from flooding Soggy Meadows (where the trailer park is situated). What could go wrong? Well, a shark, of course.\nI mean, I guess it\u0026rsquo;s possible, right? After the dam blows up, the area floods, as predicted, and Rob has his fast first encounter with the shark. He somehow manages to fight the shark off by throwing the highly electrified cable at it. This, of course, only makes it more powerful. Now it\u0026rsquo;s an electric shark!\nDon\u0026rsquo;t try this at home, kids What follows is your typical action adventure schlock. Rob spends most of the films rowing around in a stupid little boat and avoiding getting eaten or shocked by the shark, while the landlord dispatches henchmen to clear up any residents that didn\u0026rsquo;t drown. In between this, we\u0026rsquo;re treated to scenes where various members of the park hanging out on top of their mostly submerged trailers. I generally liked the set design here, as it leaves lots of room for people to get munched by the shark, but the writing was pretty bad.\n\u0026quot;Save Our Trailer\u0026quot; Review # Trailer Park Shark is built on an insane premise, designed to provide the sort of low-brow action and comedy that can be enjoyed either ironically or seriously. It mostly succeeds in that mission. The evil landlord character and his henchmen are effective baddies, so you\u0026rsquo;re rooting for either our hero Rob or the shark to win. Unfortunately, at least half of the film is padding, pointless back and forth scenes that don\u0026rsquo;t serve the plot at all, and fall flat on the humour front. What remains is pretty decent, with some fun action scenes on the water and the terrible CGI electro-shark.\nThe film earns itself 4/5 cringe stars. A lot of the writing bogs down what would be an otherwise enjoyable film, with some scenes that make you wish you could turn back the clock and fast-forward through them. For mostly the same reason, it earns itself 2/5 enjoyment stars. There\u0026rsquo;s some fun to be had here, but it could have been so much better.\n\u0026quot;What can I say? It\u0026rsquo;s a shark eat shark world, sweet tea.\u0026quot; I can\u0026rsquo;t in good faith recommend this one, it\u0026rsquo;s just not worth the 85 minutes of your life. Maybe save Trailer Park Shark for a rainy day where you\u0026rsquo;ve completely exhausted every other shark mockbuster.\n","date":"2024-06-19","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/trailer-park-shark/","section":"","summary":"A review of the 2017 film Trailer Park Shark, also known as Shark Shock","title":"Trailer Park Shark (2017)","type":"posts"},{"content":" Cringe: ⭐⭐⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐⭐⭐\nWhen conspiracy theorists raid the famous military base Area 51, an alien warrior uses a power glitch to escape from captivity which attracts the attention of her arch space rival. Now she must find her way back home.\nIntroduction # Escape from Area 51 is a 2021 sci-fi film written and directed by Eric Mittleman. It features Donna D\u0026rsquo;Errico as Sheera and Chris Browning as Sklarr, supported by a small cast of other characters. One of the production companies behind this film, Sterling Entertainment, is also responsible for the Empire of the Apes series, so if you\u0026rsquo;ve seen those you might have some idea what you\u0026rsquo;re getting into.\nAs Escape is a mid-budget sci-fi b-movie, it is right up my alley and I couldn\u0026rsquo;t resist the urge to take a look. The film and marketing also cleverly plays into the Storm Area 51 \u0026ldquo;raid\u0026rdquo;, which was one of the last fun in-person events we had before the COVID-19 Pandemic.\nPlot # This review contains minor plot spoilers We start off with a found-footage style segment, where a group of young dumbasses decide to \u0026ldquo;raid\u0026rdquo; Area 51. Of course, they don\u0026rsquo;t get far and just kind of poke at the gate before heading back. Regardless, a group of them decide to head for \u0026ldquo;Area 51 Weekend\u0026rdquo;, where they camp in the woods which are nowhere near Groom Lake and regale us with stories of their epic adventure. The dialogue and acting here, along with the rest of the film, is pretty bad.\nPretty sure this is near LA Meanwhile, we are introduced to Sheera, the female alien protagonist of the film. Long story short, she executed what they call a \u0026ldquo;Power Glitch\u0026rdquo; in order to escape from Area 51, where she was being held captive, presumably by humans. Sheera\u0026rsquo;s defining characteristics are a large quartz pendant which seem to act like a conduit for her alien powers, and a shiny silver catsuit.\nEven after escaping from Area 51, she has perfect makeup and hair After capturing Sheera\u0026rsquo;s alien friend, Sklarr transports down to Earth to look for her. He is a rather imposing looking guy, wearing some sort of body armour and futuristic AR glasses. Sklarr doesn\u0026rsquo;t have much of a personality, though we are treated to some humanizing, and mildly amusing scenes with him throughout the film. Sklarr\u0026rsquo;s superpower is just that he\u0026rsquo;s mostly impervious to damage and really strong. Boring!\nBig man bad Anyhow, Sheera ends up teaming up with our adventuring campers, and they go on an adventure to rid the universe of the evil Sklarr. This, of course, all happens in the random desert that everyone decided to congregate in. What follows is pretty standard sci-fi adventure fare, though there are enough amusing scenes and one-liners that Escape lives up to it\u0026rsquo;s comedy genre classification.\nWhen Sheera wants to project an image of Sklarr\u0026rsquo;s ship for the humans, she does this Review # Escape from Area 51 is an intentionally bad comedy sci-fi where a group of mostly useless humans team up with escaped alien Sheera to take on her nemesis Sklarr. Most of the film takes place in the forest, and there are some satisfying, but cheap, special effects. The acting is mostly bad, as well as the writing, but there are some redeeming, laugh-out-loud moments. Coming in at around 75 minutes, Escape doesn\u0026rsquo;t overstay it\u0026rsquo;s welcome.\nThe films earns itself 3/5 cringe stars, right in the middle. Some of the scenes really fall flat when they were supposed to dramatic or comedic, and the overall story is just dumb. It\u0026rsquo;s also clear this was only because of the afore-mentioned \u0026ldquo;Storm Area 51\u0026rdquo; event. As for enjoyment, Escape is also right in the middle at 3/5 stars. It has just enough zany sci-fi action to keep one entertained without going on too long. The special effects are also a nice touch, and fit with the theme of the film nicely.\nDid I mention this is how Sheera charges up her powers? I would recommend this one if you\u0026rsquo;re into this sort of sexy alien b-movie crap, or for a movie night with friends. Don\u0026rsquo;t go in expecting to be wowed, just sit back and enjoy the show.\n","date":"2024-06-17","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/escape-from-area-51/","section":"","summary":"A review of the 2021 film, Escape From Area 51","title":"Escape From Area 51 (2021)","type":"posts"},{"content":"","date":"2024-06-17","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/sc-fi/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"sc-fi","type":"tags"},{"content":" Cringe: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐⭐\nA crew on a mission to rescue a marooned base on a desert planet turns deadly when the crew finds themselves hunted and attacked by the planet’s apex predators: giant sand worms.\nIntroduction # Planet Dune is a 2021 English-language film directed by Tammy Klein and Glenn Campbell. If you check the Director\u0026rsquo;s profiles you will discover they are both VFX professionals, but have apparently teamed up to make Planet Dune and Shark Side of the Moon (2022) together. The cast is composed of people which will all look familiar if you watch films from The Asylum often.\nIf you\u0026rsquo;re not familiar, The Asylum is an American production company which is known for making direct-to-video knock-offs of popular films, as well as other low-budget crap. Oh, and they are responsible for Sharknado (2013). Yes, the Sharknado, which ignited public interest in these intentionally awful films and spawned a massive array of knock-offs. Asylum, itself, produces at least several films per year with no signs of stopping, meaning they have a massive catalogue by now.\nWe meet again, old friend Why is this important, dear reader? Well, when that logo pops up on screen you can\u0026rsquo;t help but have expectations about what\u0026rsquo;s going to transpire on screen. Most recent (let\u0026rsquo;s say last 10 years) work from them has these characteristics:\nGood production values. Acting which is middling to bad, but not horrible. A moderate budget. A paper thin plot. Returning to Planet Dune, this is obviously a rip-off of the famous Dune franchise, with the release date lining up very close to Denis Villeneuve\u0026rsquo;s 2021 film, Dune: Part 1. As a huge fan of the book Dune, written by Frank Herbert in 1965, my expectations were perhaps a bit high going into this. David Lynch showed us in 1984 that there is plenty of room in the Dune universe for weirdness, and I was hoping The Asylum would take advantage of this. We already know from the synposis that a crew will find themselves marooned on the planet and trying to survive, but what if Fremen start popping out of everywhere and teach them ride Sand Worms. Or maybe everyone gets addicted to Spice and goes on a vision quest to calm the spirit of the planet, and thus the Worms? I guess we\u0026rsquo;ll see!\nPlot # This review contains minor plot spoilers Planet Dune opens with a quick scene where a Sand Worm attacks what we can presume is a spice harvesting rig and their crew. It\u0026rsquo;s a promising start, possibly meaning the writer\u0026rsquo;s were able to base this on franchise lore. Alas, we cut away to a place known as the \u0026ldquo;Space Force Interstellar Operations Base\u0026rdquo;, something I don\u0026rsquo;t remember Frank Herbert writing about.\nIt might not come as any surprise he\u0026rsquo;s eaten right after this At this Space Force base, we\u0026rsquo;re introduced to our heroine, Astrid, played by Emily Killian. We find out that Astrid is an ace pilot, but has authority problems, clearly setting her up for a hero redemption arc. Great.\nAnyway, Astrid hears a distress call during some flying exercise and goes to help, against her Commander\u0026rsquo;s (Chase\u0026rsquo;s) wishes. As it turns out, the distress call is from a Russian! This is when the problems with Planet Dune become apparent\u0026hellip; You\u0026rsquo;re seriously telling me they couldn\u0026rsquo;t come up with anything more inventive than Americans and Russians in space? Where is the Emperor, the Houses, Navigators, or anything else that makes Dune, well Dune.\nIt is, of course, the American Space Force Astrid ends up saving the Russian, and is disciplined for it. Her punishment? To fly to Dune with a bunch of former convicts to rescue the crew of the destroyed mining operation. You can kind of see where this is going from here. They get marooned on the planet and must survive together, yada yada. It is basically an action-adventure set in the desert, and there\u0026rsquo;s no real point in going over any of this further. At this point I\u0026rsquo;m just hate-watching Dune.\nMy face at this point in the film Review # Planet Dune is a massive disappointment. What could have an awesome low-budget space opera is instead reduced to an Amerocentric, generic, sci-fi action. I\u0026rsquo;m not sure what went wrong here. Was Asylum just playing safe and avoiding any potential IP infringement, or was the production team just not interested in making something cool?\nThe film\u0026rsquo;s one saving grace is Astrid, the primary protagonist. She has a solid, believable character arc, and Emily Killian is really charming in the role. Sean Young, as Commander Chase, does a good job as well, allowing for plenty of back and forth between the two. However, everything else about the film is painful, tinged with the disappointment of someone who wanted more.\nYou might need this to get through Planet Dune As is the case with recent films from The Asylum, the SFX and production are pretty good. Planet Dune wouldn\u0026rsquo;t be out of place as a late night movie on the Sci-Fi channel, suitable for your Dad while channel-surfing for something to fall asleep too. But it doesn\u0026rsquo;t lend itself intentional viewing, for the reasons mentioned above.\nDune earns itself 4/5 cringe stars. It is extremely disappointing, the plot is stupid as hell, and there is no real reason for it to exist, aside from lining the pockets of the production company capitalizing on the hype around Villeneuve\u0026rsquo;s Dune: Part 1. As for enjoyment, the films earns itself 2/5 stars, with Astrid saving it from the lowest possible rating.\nSean Young was sad about this one as well Should you watch Planet Dune? Probably not. There are a whole lot of more enjoyable, bad films, even from The Asylum itself. They have like five films about a meteor or the Moon crashing into Earth, so maybe one of those? Or consider the Sharknado series, if you haven\u0026rsquo;t seen them already.\n","date":"2024-06-16","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/planet-dune/","section":"","summary":"A review of the 2021 film, Planet Dune","title":"Planet Dune (2021)","type":"posts"},{"content":" Cringe: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐⭐⭐\nThree young women from a parallel universe play a blind date reality game that culminates in the euphoric Flashout. They get trapped on unfamiliar planet Earth by a reality repairman who must destroy their pleasure-filled game before the Multiverse is permanently altered.\nIntroduction # Flashout is a 2019 English-language sci-fi film directed by Richard Lerner. It stars Lorynn York, Allison Dunbar, and Maya Stojan as three totally forgettable female leads. Jonathan Goldstein takes on the role of \u0026ldquo;Repairman\u0026rdquo;, some sort of inter-dimensional janitor, and is the only memorable character in the film.\nThis one caught my eye due to the poor poster art, along with the absurd sci-fi premise. A parallel universe dating game? Sounds like perfect b-movie cringe. Mix in the threat of the multiverse permanently being messed up, and we might have a winner. According to IMDB, the film has been recut as Intermate, however I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure I watched to original cut. In any case, the version I watched is 90 minutes.\nPlot # This review contains major plot spoilers Our story begins with a monologue from what we will come to know as the Repairman character. This sets the stage for the rest of the film, informing us that this film is definitely going to be about the multiverse. It gives you time to prepare for some of the absurdity that is to come, I suppose, and includes some fancy CGI. While I have no idea the budget of this film, the special effects and green screen usage are much better than I expected.\nI dunno what this is, but it looks cool After Repairman finishes complaining to the audience, we move towards an advertisement for the InterMate game, serving as more plot exposition. The gist of the game is that you are transported to a micro-universe along with several other players (real people), but there are also a bunch of NPCs around. It is the player\u0026rsquo;s goal to distinguish between the fake and real characters before the micro-universe collapses. If they win, they experience some kind of euphoria together, known as flashout. While all this is being displayed, the characters in the ads akwardly dance with one another, or around the screen. It\u0026rsquo;s really a weird spectacle.\nSomething about micro-dimensions just makes me want to dance You might think that we\u0026rsquo;d finally be done with the exposition, but you\u0026rsquo;d be wrong. It goes on for several more minutes, interspersed with some poor character building. Finally, though, things start to move forward, and several characters decide to start a game of InterMate together. By this time, you start to notice that everyone in this far future or alternate dimensions dresses in modified athletic wear. I have to give the costume designer some credit here, the outfits look pretty good for what they are, and probably cost next to nothing to produce.\nOur three heroines From this point on the plot picks up, and oh boy, it is a mess. I frankly had no idea what was going on most of the time during my initial watch, and had to go back in order to come up with this summary:\nThe Repairman needs one of our heroines in order to pull off his plan. He is also actually a giant purple slug thing from another universe. Our characters are stuck in this alternate universe, which is basically the modern US SouthWest. The heroines end up working in an escort agency, for reasons that are never explained. Repairman hires one of our heroines from the agency and tries to kidnap her, but fails and gets put in hospital instead. Two of our heroines fall in love with Earth guys, and somehow manage to convince them they\u0026rsquo;re actually from a different universe. Repairman knocks one girl out and throws her in a closet, while a separate one agrees to help him with his plan. You might think, from reading the above, that it\u0026rsquo;s not very convoluted or outlandish, but random stuff just happens in Flashout. There\u0026rsquo;s no reason for most of it, and it doesn\u0026rsquo;t really play into the main story. All of the characters, excepting Repairman, are totally forgettable and lack any sort of personality. But the randomness is what makes it so entertaining, you never know what\u0026rsquo;s going to happen next. The special effects are really enjoyable as well, you can tell whomever made them had fun with it.\nHonestly really neat special effects Review # Flashout is an entertaining mess of sci-fi b-movie. The plot is nonsensical, most of the characters flat, and it\u0026rsquo;s filled with stupid monologues from the Repairman. But it has heart, by virtue of being so random and having SFX that are much better than you\u0026rsquo;d expect from something like this. Watching this is an experience, and you can\u0026rsquo;t help but laugh out loud at times.\nMmm\u0026hellip; space lemons This trash earns four out of five cringe stars. It really feels like the director and crew wanted to make a cool sci-fi film, but the writing and story are just so bad. On the upside, the acting is okay overall, if a bit uninspired. In terms of entertainment, Flashout earns three out of five stars. It\u0026rsquo;s a fun watch, and while you might not know exactly what is going on or why, it doesn\u0026rsquo;t really matter in the end.\nI would recommend this one to anyone who enjoys campy sci-fi, or wants a film to laugh at during a movie night with friends (ideally while at least slightly inebriated).\n","date":"2024-06-15","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/flashout/","section":"","summary":"A review of the 2019 film Flashout, AKA Intermate.","title":"Flashout (2019)","type":"posts"},{"content":"","date":"2024-06-14","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/french/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"french","type":"tags"},{"content":"","date":"2024-06-14","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/tags/mystery/","section":"Tags","summary":"","title":"mystery","type":"tags"},{"content":" Cringe: ⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐⭐⭐⭐\nShe’s the most beautiful, most short-sighted, most sentimental, most perplexing, most obstinate, most untrustworthy and most troubling of heroines. The lady in the car has never seen the sea. On the run from the police, she keeps telling herself that she’s not crazy… Only\u0026hellip;\nIntroduction # The Lady In The Car With Glasses And A Gun, also known as La Dame Dans L\u0026rsquo;auto Avec Des Lunettes Et Un Fusil, is a 2015 French film directed by Joann Sfar. Freya Mavor stars as Dany, the titular lady, and is supported by Benjamin Biolay as Michel, Elio Germano as Stefano, and Stacy Martin as Anita. The Lady, as I will refer to it moving forward, seems to be a remake of a 1970 film by the same name, which I have not seen.\nWhat drew me to this one was the obscenely long name and promise of Lady and Gun in the marketing images. Armed with that knowledge, I figured it might be a bloody revenge flick like Revenge (2018), which I rather enjoyed. As it turns out, pleasantly in this case, I couldn\u0026rsquo;t have been farther from the truth.\nPlot # This review contains minor plot spoilers The Lady opens with Dany dancing crazily on the beach, like someone who just had the weight of the world lifted off their shoulders at the same time they did a massive line of cocaine, before abrubtly cutting to an image where she is putting on her glasses. We can then see her demurely adjusting her outfit while talking with other women in a bathroom, before repeating to herself I\u0026rsquo;ve never seen the sea, which is kind of her tagline. Roll Credits!\nNice glasses The first part of the plot is unravelled pretty quickly; Dany is secretary for Michel, and he asks her to work late on typing up a 50 page report he hand-wrote. This might not sound like a lot of work, until you realize she has to do it on a type-writer. Michel asks that she come and stay at his place that night so it could be done before he flies out first thing tomorrow, but he does it in the weirdest, creepiest way possible. Basically, it feels like he is luring her out there, for\u0026hellip; something, promising that his wife, Anita, would be glad to see her. Evidently they are old friends from \u0026ldquo;the acadamy\u0026rdquo;.\nDany, of course, agrees to this, because if she didn\u0026rsquo;t we wouldn\u0026rsquo;t have much of a film. Despite the rush to get the report typed up, they have time to stop at Dany\u0026rsquo;s place so she can change and grab a bag. This is where we find out about the director\u0026rsquo;s foot and leg fetish, a la Quentin Tarantinto. This film is absolutely littered with cinematic shots of Dany\u0026rsquo;s legs, feet, and shoes.\nGratuitous legs Fast forward to them arriving at Michel\u0026rsquo;s house. There is some back and forth with his wife, Anita, and her daughter. Like Michel, Anita is acting rather mysterious and odd, seemingly acting like she is glad to see her old acquaintance. When Dany states she forgot her nighdress, Anita offers her what can only be described as a barely-there piece of lingerie. It is also abruptly revealed that Michel, Anita, and the daughter are going out for the night and will be back late. This leaves plenty of time for a montage composed of typing, thighs, and smoking, which is rather beautifully shot and edited, and set to era-appropriate music.\nThis \u0026quot;nightdress\u0026quot; was evidently too spicy to show on film The next morning, the couple spring another surprise on Dany. She has completed typing the report, but they now insist that she come with them to the airport and drive the car back. Despite her very reasonable protests about them taking a taxi, or parking at the airport, Michel is adamant. This is when we first meet The Car, like from the title, which ends up being it\u0026rsquo;s own character of sorts. It is absolutely gorgeous, a classic teal Thunderbird, and like Dany\u0026rsquo;s legs, Joann goes out of his way to basically shoot car porn.\nVery nice Dany is, of course, very nervous about all of this, perhaps now sensing that something strange is afoot. Nonetheless, she agrees, probably cause Michel is signing her paychecks. They head down to the airport, the couple and the kid leave, and Dany gets into the car to drive it back. This is where I\u0026rsquo;ll leave it with the plot, as I don\u0026rsquo;t to ruin the rest of it for you, but what follows is a long, slow, mysterious burn.\nReview # The Lady is beautifully shot film, with plenty of layers of mystery to keep you entertained. The acting is top notch, editing on point, and people who like women\u0026rsquo;s legs or classic cars are sure to appreciate the direction. Freya Mavor really stands out in her lead role here, and I\u0026rsquo;m excited to check out some of her other work.\nI went into this film expecting a generic violent \u0026ldquo;woman-scorned\u0026rdquo; kind of revenge film, but it ended up grabbing my attention to the end. Is she crazy? What does it all mean and why? These are questions you will have and try to answer while you enjoy this modern masterpiece. Also, why is she obsessed with the sea?\nThe Lady scores one out of five cringe stars, the lowest possible number, as it isn\u0026rsquo;t cringy at all. On the enjoyment front, it gets four out of five stars, only missing the perfect score due to it being a slow burn, which requires a good amount of concentration to enjoy fully. I would recommend this to any cinema fans who aren\u0026rsquo;t afraid to put in the effort, which may include subtitles if you do not know French.\nMichel trying to pretend not to look while Dany is getting changed Thank you for checking out the inaugural post for the Den of Disappointment, I hope to see you in the next one! Will it be a disappointment like this one, or another excellent piece of film-making?\n","date":"2024-06-14","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/posts/the-lady-in-the-car-with-glasses-and-a-gun/","section":"","summary":"A review of the 2015 French film, The Lady In The Car With Glasses And A Gun (2015), AKA La Dame Dans L\u0026rsquo;auto Avec Des Lunettes Et Un Fusil.","title":"The Lady In The Car With Glasses And A Gun (2015)","type":"posts"},{"content":"","date":"0001-01-01","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/authors/","section":"Authors","summary":"","title":"Authors","type":"authors"},{"content":"","date":"0001-01-01","externalUrl":null,"permalink":"/series/","section":"Series","summary":"","title":"Series","type":"series"}]