Bikini Hackers (2023)

Table of Contents

Cringe: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Enjoyment: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

The poster art for the film Bikini hackers. 5 women in bikinis are standing in a pool. The front one is facing away from the camera, while two on each side of her are facing forwards. They are standing in a pool in which money is floating. In the background, a helicopter can be seen exploding in the sky.

A group of women hatch a detailed plan to take down the top global financial systems. They will let nothing and no one get in their way.

Introduction
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Bikini Hackers is a 2023 comedy? film written and directed by Scott Hillman. It stars Caroline Elise as Sarah and Samantha Venable as Tiffany. They are supported by a small cast of talent that I’ve mostly not heard of before, with the exception of Nicole D’Angelo, who had a lead role in Darling Nikki.

The premise of Hackers is pretty simple, a bunch of women bikini-clad plan to hack into the global financial system and distribute the wealth of the top 1% to everyone else. A sort of Robin Hood story. What’s not to love about that? Let’s jump in!

Plot
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This review contains minor plot spoilers

The film opens with a short party/club scene, wherein we see Tiffany seduce Sarah. They end up going back to Tiffany’s very nice Los Angeles house, which of course has a pool. Cut to the next day, and Tiffany is already awake and having a morning swim in the pool. Sarah heads down to meet her, and they head inside for some breakfast. Miraculously, in the time it took them to walk inside, Tiffany’s hair and bikini have fully dried, and she has fresh looking makeup on.

While the two ladies are in the kitchen, we’re introduced to Tiffany’s master hacker plan: She wants to hack into some financial institution and distribute all the wealth they are hoarding to everyone in the world (using a macbook, as we know all hackers do). One thing becomes very clear by this time; Tiffany has an incredibly annoying voice, and the lines are delivered in this strange over-enthusiastic way, kind of like an ad read by a used car salesperson. It’s super unsettling as a viewer. On the other hand, the acting and delivery for Sarah are not good, but they’re far and above better than her partner in crime.

Two women in a kitchen, looking at a macbook open on the table. The blond woman on the left is wearing a bikini and excitedly gesturing at something on the laptop screen. The brunette woman on the right is wearing a crop top and looks apprehensive and confused. — Tiffany, our mastermind, on the left, explaining the plan to Sarah

In the next scene, Tiffany has assembled everyone together who is take part in this hair-brained scheme. We have three women besides Tiffany and Sarah, and they’re all introduced alongside their superpower. There’s also a random dude in a cowboy hat who handles logistics, apparently. He introduces himself: “Willie Tall Salt, at your service. I help girls in need, to restore balance to the great green earth.”

An image of the characters Tiffany and Sarah, joined by three other women. They are sitting, arranged, in a living room. Tiffany is wearing a bikini, while the other women are wearing normal clothes. Standing up besides them is a guy in a cowboy, gesturing as if he is speaking emphatically. — Our merry band of adventurers

Flash forward through some more exposition, which is largely unimportant, as well as meeting the bad guy, and Tiffany has once again assembled everyone. This time they’re in bikinis, and she enthusiastically explains they’ve got to have a pool party prior to pulling of the heist. Why not, right?

The five heroines of the film, standing in a semi-circle in a kitchen and wearing bikinis. Willie is also there, but obscured by Sarah. Everyone is looking at Tiffany while she appears to be gesturing fanatically. — I don’t even know what to say anymore

You might have figured that Tiffany is maybe not so bright at this point, and you’d be right. Also, none of the other ladies seem to know anything about hacking, so how the hell are they going to pull something like this off? Well, in between scenes we’re treated to on-screen messages between Tiffany and some anonymous person. As it turns out, they’re the real hacker, and supply the crew with intel and a USB drive which is going to pull off the hack for them. So, there you have it folks, the whole premise of the film was a lie.

A close up image of a hooded figure sitting a computer desk. The scene is dimly lit with flourescent green, and there are mutiple monitors in the background. The computer equipment on the desk is wrapped in camoflouge webbing. — Turns out **there are no bikini hackers**

Review
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Bikini Hackers is a lie, but that’s okay. It still, at least, delivers the promise of bikinis, as our heroines infiltrate a high-security building using nothing but their ~~wits~~ bodies. The real standout of this film is the character Tiffany, who has some real banger lines, backed up the crazy delivery of Samantha Venable. Sarah’s character acts as balance to this wackiness, usually trying to present a reasonable approach to things. Or rather, sometimes.

The character Sarah, wearing a leopard-print bikini and sitting at a desk in a dark office. She is holding her hand flat above the keyboard as she pretends to type, despite the fact the computer is turned off. Sitting on the desk in front of her is a red solo cup. — Sarah, expertly evading a security guard

Cringe 4/5: A lot of the writing, editing, and acting are downright bad, leading to a high level of cringe. This is only exacerbated by the low-budget reuse of certain sets, some of which appear many, many times.

Enjoyment 4/5: Despite all of it’s problems, Hackers is a fun watch. You never really know what’s going to happen next, or what random bullshit a character is going to spit out. I really liked how it keeps on your toes until the end.